Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 18526 times) Share

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Kalon

  • Elitist Fat Tosser
  • *
  • Posts: 3,992
    • View Profile
    • http://www.dragonvalley.co.uk
Re: Jokes
« Reply #30 on: July 12, 2011, 03:16:06 pm »
Two Parrots sat on a perch

One says to the other

'Can you smell fish?'


:laughsoutloud:
Because we are swat, and our limits differ to what is actually legal.......

Offline Stodgey

  • DV Member
  • *
  • Posts: 445
  • Steel Wolves
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #31 on: July 12, 2011, 08:07:01 pm »
Since we are supposed to keep it clean, that just leaves the shit jokes, so here we go.

1. Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside." "...How's that?"
"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your
oyster ... go for it."

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today." They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' "So that was nice of them."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".
"Doctor, doctor when I bend my arm like this it hurts." "Well don't
do it!"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.
It's funny because it's true + The truth hurts = It's funny because it hurts!

Offline iGeza

  • DV Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2,005
  • "Futete, sum draconem"
    • View Profile
    • YouTube Airsoft Gun Reviews
Re: Jokes
« Reply #32 on: July 25, 2011, 10:41:41 am »
Since we are supposed to keep it clean, that just leaves the shit jokes....

Good idea.

My mate just asked what ringtone I have? I replied; "never really looked but it's probably a light brown".


Check out all my delicious airsoft gun reviews here:
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLbt6_DwFUe8LJcF237qpX-e9

Offline Monkfish

  • DV Member
  • *
  • Posts: 403
  • Expert shit shoveller
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #33 on: July 25, 2011, 11:20:16 am »
Good idea.

My mate just asked what ringtone I have? I replied; "never really looked but it's probably a light brown".
That just cost me a roast beef Monster Munch and a loud mid-office guffaw. Now people are looking at me funny and I have to clean my keyboard.
If it moves, shoot it.
If it doesn't move, shoot at it until it does.

Offline starscream

  • DV Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1,104
  • Out- Star Wars me.... I dare ya!!!!
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #34 on: July 26, 2011, 03:26:50 pm »
BBC News: "Man Hurt in Portaloo Explosion".

I'm guessing he is now suffering from turd degree burns.


and......

Child birth: So easy a woman can do it.
the french have suggested that they arm the Libyan rebels
I can see it now....
Libyan Rebel: "how does it work?"
French soldier: "hey nonny nonnied, firmly if I know, we just drop it and run away"

Offline Stodgey

  • DV Member
  • *
  • Posts: 445
  • Steel Wolves
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #35 on: July 26, 2011, 09:13:56 pm »
Luke Skywalker runs into A&E carrying the left half of Princess Leia, followed quickly by C-3PO carrying the right half.

When asked what happened, Luke replied, "There was a bit of a mix up. Put it this way, I've just tried fighting Darth Vader and pulled out a vibrating dildo..."
It's funny because it's true + The truth hurts = It's funny because it hurts!

Offline iGeza

  • DV Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2,005
  • "Futete, sum draconem"
    • View Profile
    • YouTube Airsoft Gun Reviews
Re: Jokes
« Reply #36 on: July 28, 2011, 08:58:23 pm »
Dyslexic muslim extremists blamed for the death of Amy Winehouse. Their instructions actually said "Attack Army Warehouse"


Check out all my delicious airsoft gun reviews here:
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLbt6_DwFUe8LJcF237qpX-e9

Offline coops

  • DV Marshal
  • *
  • Posts: 912
  • In Arduis Fidelis
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #37 on: July 30, 2011, 10:03:11 am »
BBC News: "Man Hurt in Portaloo Explosion".

I'm guessing he is now suffering from turd degree burns.


and......

Child birth: So easy a woman can do it.

ah sickipedia for the win
1x WE L85A2 1x TM SIG 552
1x CA MP5SD6 1x CA M4
1x WE 1911 MEU

Offline TopSillySteve

  • DV Member
  • *
  • Posts: 37
  • Car Insurance softer !
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #38 on: September 01, 2011, 06:50:48 pm »
A panda walks into a burger joint, orders a burger, pulls out a gun shoots the waiter and leaves.

The waiter looks up and says what the hell is wrong with you.

And the panda says: "I read that pandas eat shoots and leaves."

old but good

Offline Wilberforce

  • DV Member
  • *
  • Posts: 531
  • i find your lack of facial hair disturbing
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #39 on: September 09, 2011, 01:18:03 am »
Two cannibals are eating a clown …

One says to the other, does this taste funny to you?

Offline iGeza

  • DV Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2,005
  • "Futete, sum draconem"
    • View Profile
    • YouTube Airsoft Gun Reviews
Re: Jokes
« Reply #40 on: September 09, 2011, 09:08:05 am »
My wife divorced me because of my pasta touching fetish.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


Check out all my delicious airsoft gun reviews here:
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLbt6_DwFUe8LJcF237qpX-e9

Offline HerrCommissar

  • DV Member
  • *
  • Posts: 776
  • GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN!
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #41 on: September 10, 2011, 04:35:24 pm »
My wife divorced me because of my pasta touching fetish.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

That. Is. Win.



A nose walks into a bar. The barman says "I'm not serving you, you're off your face!"

Offline starscream

  • DV Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1,104
  • Out- Star Wars me.... I dare ya!!!!
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #42 on: September 10, 2011, 07:33:24 pm »
As I lay in bed I felt a hand reach down my boxers and start to slowly rub my c*ck.
I said, "Not tonight, I'm tired."
My cell mate said, "You don't get a choice in here, b*tch."


September 11th 2001, Arab terrorists fly planes into buildings, killing 3000 American citizens on US soil.

September 11th 1944, The RAF firebomb Darmstadt killing 11,500 German citizens on their own soil.

Can't help thinking that once again, Britain just does it better, first.
the french have suggested that they arm the Libyan rebels
I can see it now....
Libyan Rebel: "how does it work?"
French soldier: "hey nonny nonnied, firmly if I know, we just drop it and run away"

Offline iGeza

  • DV Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2,005
  • "Futete, sum draconem"
    • View Profile
    • YouTube Airsoft Gun Reviews
Re: Jokes
« Reply #43 on: September 10, 2011, 11:48:19 pm »
As I lay in bed I felt a hand reach down my boxers and start to slowly rub my c*ck.
I said, "Not tonight, I'm tired."
My cell mate said, "You don't get a choice in here, b*tch."


September 11th 2001, Arab terrorists fly planes into buildings, killing 3000 American citizens on US soil.

September 11th 1944, The RAF firebomb Darmstadt killing 11,500 German citizens on their own soil.

Can't help thinking that once again, Britain just does it better, first.

ROFLCOPTER


Check out all my delicious airsoft gun reviews here:
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLbt6_DwFUe8LJcF237qpX-e9

Offline Owen

  • Private
  • *
  • Posts: 30
    • View Profile
    • Flickr
Re: Jokes
« Reply #44 on: September 17, 2011, 09:23:24 pm »
What dessert would Osama Bin laden make if he were on a cooking programme?


Big Apple Crumble.